Shades of Kae

A New Direction

I finally quit my job.

I’ve been with the same company for almost 6 years, after starting there straight out of college. I haven’t been happy with my job for most of that time, but for the first few years it didn’t even occur to me to leave. I stuck my head into the sand, whinged about it, and did my job. Almost two years ago, a massive re-org changed the structure of the IT organization at the company, in a direction I thought would improve everything. Instead, it opened my eyes to the corporate politics, and the incompetence and/or lack of vision of a large portion of those around me. Lately, all that’s kept me there has been a series of dangling carrots to keep me creeping forward as time passes.

I finally got up the nerve to go for it. I dipped my toes into the job market, and before I knew it I had accepted a new job that sounds like exactly what I’ve been missing.

A week and a half ago I put in my resignation, and it was one of the least fun things I’ve had to do in a long time. I hate confrontation, and I hate attention. It felt like breaking up.

I stuck to the, classic “It’s not you”, It’s me,” because I don’t want to burn any bridges, but I didn’t feel like I was even convincing myself. After speaking to my manager, I had an awkward conversation with my director. Then I watched them go into an office with HR, and squirmed uncomfortably with the thought of them talking about me.

Fear has been a constant companion throughout this whole process. Fear of change has ruled so much of my life, whether I recognized it at the time or not. It’s much easier to deal with the agony of the known, than to live with the wild fears of the unknown that my anxiety-ridden brain can conjure up. I know this is the right thing, but the voices keep whispering that I’m going to fail at this new thing. The voices also whisper that I’m huge jerk, because being able to find a new job is a huge luxury that most people don’t have.

I’ve lived most of my life in blocks – in stages of 3-5 years throughout school, from elementary through college. Each time a stage came to an end, I had trouble letting go. This is the first time I’ve had the courage to make a change for myself. I have the chance to be something more, to do what I think I would like to do, and even to make a difference in the world in a bigger way. I don’t know how this will go, but I have to try.

I have two days left. I’ve been alternating between moments of excitement, of relief, and of nostalgia. 6 years is longer than I’ve stayed in any stage of my life, and I’ve grown attached to the people. The things that made me angry are starting to feel silly. My husband reminded me of an episode of How I Met Your Mother where they discuss the concept of “Graduation Goggles“. I know it’s time to move on, to start fresh and let go of all the baggage and frustrations, but I can’t help but feel wistful about saying goodbye to everyone.

Monday is the start of an entirely new direction.


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Geeking Out About Reading and Author Signings

Reading has always been a passion of mine, for as long as I can remember. It has also been a source of weird nerd pride for me, and made a huge imprint on my childhood. In 1st grade I was pulled into advanced reading group, and that is one of the few things I can even recall about that year. In 4th grade, I won a trip to McDonald’s with a teacher for reading the most books in the school during our March Reading month. This continued through high school, where I would leave the library every other week with an ungainly stack of roughly 15 novels (at a minimum of 300 pages each).

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A Fresh Coat of Paint

The desire to write has resurfaced several times over the past few months. I even wrote a few posts that are now languishing in the trash bin due to the content no longer being timely.

Last week  I put a fresh coat of paint on the blog in the hopes that it will provide further inspiration and actually get some words published.

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2012: Another Year In Review

2012 has finally come to a close, bringing in a shiny new year that still feels clean, bright and full of hopeful unknowns. We can’t read anything on the internet without being overwhelmed by eye-rolling clichés, resolutions and reflections. And yet I completely understand why everyone does it –starting fresh with grand ideas about what the future might bring, letting go of the baggage that the past year piled on us –  it feels quite wonderful. We think for a moment that we could change, and become who we’ve always wanted to be… at least until we fall back into our old habits and repeat the cycle all over again.

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How I Learned to Accept Archaeology

One of the things that disappointed me most about Cataclysm was the archaeology profession. When the concept was announced years ago, I envisioned a new addictive profession that would get me out exploring the world, collecting interesting artifacts, and gaining lore tidbits. I generally like professions in video games, and I love exploring as well. It seemed like the perfect match.

What we got was a tiresome, grindy experience reminiscent of the original incarnation of fishing, but without the added benefits of tying in with Cooking. I chose to level Archaeology on my former main (Kaelynn the rogue). Instead of giving me a reason to play her, Archaeology gave me a reason to stay away. I did eventually reach max skill in Cataclysm, but couldn’t convince myself to continue to grind for the items I actually wanted (pets, mounts, and BOA epics that would have been useful in the first tier of Cata raiding). I grew to despise the continent of Kalimdor and its long flight paths. The Tol’vir became the bane of my existence. Archaeology was frustrating and dull for any significant length of time.

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Lost in the Mists

Mists of Pandaria has been out for… a while now. And of course I haven’t managed to post a single word about it, or anything else for that matter. But I’ve finally found myself in a writing mood, so I figure I’ll take advantage of it before the moment passes.

What have I been up to for the last few months? For the most part, I’ve actually been playing WOW. I’ve actually been logging on almost every night, and enjoying the game again. In short: Mists is everything I hoped it would be. From exploring the gorgeous scenery, to the Tillers, to interesting quests with a less on-the-rails feel, to heroics, and scenarios and beyond, I think that MoP is a great experience. I could ramble on about my initial impressions for a while, but you’ve already heard it from a hundred other people and I really don’t have any new spin on the topic.

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Mists of Pandaria Beta: Initial Questing with Jade Forest Closed

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been off enjoying the outside world, or just playing other games. WOW hasn’t been a part of my life at all this summer. After listening to a few of my usual podcasts, however, I felt a slight flicker of interest.  I finally found the energy to try the WOW beta again.

If you haven’t played the beta at all yet, or have been away from it as long as I have, then you’ll quickly realize a LOT of things have changed. The most jarring thing is that the level 85 starting area, the Jade Forest is no longer accessible.

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A Continued Lack of Motivation

I think I just need to resign myself to the fact that it’s going to be a while before my interest in WOW picks up again, and that if I want to write any posts at all, they need to be about a more broad spectrum of topics. I do miss writing here – it’s therapeutic. I have been posting a bit on my personal blog, but it’s all been very domestic and “safe”. I miss ranting, and writing about obscure geek topics with much less restraint.

I miss connecting with other people who are more like me.  So many of those whom I’ve encountered over the past four years of playing WOW, through blogging or the game itself, have always felt more like “my people” than those I encounter in my daily life. I’m starting to feel like I lost that somewhere along the way. Most of the blogs that I truly enjoyed in the WOW community have gone dark (mine isn’t really any exception, given the number of posts I’ve made lately). I find myself reading home design blogs or tech blogs to fill the void, but I miss this community. I’m absolutely terrible at keeping relationships going. I don’t know if this stems from laziness or just being so paranoid and devoid of self-esteem that I fear that no one actually wants to talk to me.

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