I finally quit my job.
I’ve been with the same company for almost 6 years, after starting there straight out of college. I haven’t been happy with my job for most of that time, but for the first few years it didn’t even occur to me to leave. I stuck my head into the sand, whinged about it, and did my job. Almost two years ago, a massive re-org changed the structure of the IT organization at the company, in a direction I thought would improve everything. Instead, it opened my eyes to the corporate politics, and the incompetence and/or lack of vision of a large portion of those around me. Lately, all that’s kept me there has been a series of dangling carrots to keep me creeping forward as time passes.
I finally got up the nerve to go for it. I dipped my toes into the job market, and before I knew it I had accepted a new job that sounds like exactly what I’ve been missing.
A week and a half ago I put in my resignation, and it was one of the least fun things I’ve had to do in a long time. I hate confrontation, and I hate attention. It felt like breaking up.
I stuck to the, classic “It’s not you”, It’s me,” because I don’t want to burn any bridges, but I didn’t feel like I was even convincing myself. After speaking to my manager, I had an awkward conversation with my director. Then I watched them go into an office with HR, and squirmed uncomfortably with the thought of them talking about me.
Fear has been a constant companion throughout this whole process. Fear of change has ruled so much of my life, whether I recognized it at the time or not. It’s much easier to deal with the agony of the known, than to live with the wild fears of the unknown that my anxiety-ridden brain can conjure up. I know this is the right thing, but the voices keep whispering that I’m going to fail at this new thing. The voices also whisper that I’m huge jerk, because being able to find a new job is a huge luxury that most people don’t have.
I’ve lived most of my life in blocks – in stages of 3-5 years throughout school, from elementary through college. Each time a stage came to an end, I had trouble letting go. This is the first time I’ve had the courage to make a change for myself. I have the chance to be something more, to do what I think I would like to do, and even to make a difference in the world in a bigger way. I don’t know how this will go, but I have to try.
I have two days left. I’ve been alternating between moments of excitement, of relief, and of nostalgia. 6 years is longer than I’ve stayed in any stage of my life, and I’ve grown attached to the people. The things that made me angry are starting to feel silly. My husband reminded me of an episode of How I Met Your Mother where they discuss the concept of “Graduation Goggles“. I know it’s time to move on, to start fresh and let go of all the baggage and frustrations, but I can’t help but feel wistful about saying goodbye to everyone.
Monday is the start of an entirely new direction.