Members of the blogosphere prove to be fantastic at judging each other, and making bold statements about how others should or shouldn’t behave. I’m not interested in participating directly in this drama – as always, I prefer to stay on the sidelines and make silent judgements about everyone involved, without the risk of actually having to back up my opinions. Instead, I’ve decided that today I’m going to be candid and reveal something personal. I have a confession to make – I’m a jerk.
An early morning meeting with a team member over in India left me filled with intense annoyance. It’s partly because it was so early and my brain doesn’t like to fully function at that time of day, but mostly because he asked so many questions. Questions I know I’ve answered before.
This got me thinking about how I would make a terrible teacher. I have zero patience. I get filled with an irrational rage when someone asks me “stupid” questions, or asks the same question more than once. I can’t possibly comprehend how someone can’t get it, when I figured it out so easily. Essentially, I’m an egotistical, impatient jerk.
I also get incredibly pissed when I can’t understand what someone is saying. Accents, bad Vent connections, etc, leave me swearing under my breath as I struggle to discern the probably-important words the other person is speaking. On the flip side, I also get angry when someone doesn’t understand what I say and I have to repeat myself. I am such a hypocrit.
This bad attitude manifests itself quite frequently in WOW, although I do a fantastic job of keeping it to myself (and my poor husband who has to listen to me ranting). My guildies probably think I’m such a nice person – sadly, they are incorrect.
In PUGs, getting pissed at some faceless person is easy. I swear and rant at every lousy tank, every stupid DPS who stands in the bad or pulls mobs. The thing is, though, I never type out any of my angry thoughts. I don’t need to take out my rage on that person… they probably wouldn’t give a damn anyways. I’m not going to try to teach them a lesson, or intentionally make their game-time miserable. It wouldn’t solve anything. It wouldn’t even make me feel better.
But this is just my way of dealing. Other people seem to think that letting others intentionally die, or pulling a bunch of mobs and then leaving the group, or ninja-ing loot is a more reasonable reaction. We’re all jerks on some level – some people are just more visibly so. It’s part of what makes us human, like it or not. We all have slightly different moral compasses, which are shaped by experiences, religion, culture, etc.
I get extremely agitated when I make a mistake in a PUG, because I’m sure that the other members are swearing about me. But they’re probabaly not. I’m the passive-aggressive one, and I shouldn’t attribute that to everyone I meet.
During guild runs, the fury takes longer to build. I cut my friends some slack - after all, it is just a game. But after 5 wipes on a boss we’ve easily killed before, when its obvious that certain people just aren’t paying attention… I snap. I stop having fun and start gritting my teeth, just waiting for the night to be over. I keep my finger away from the vent key on my keyboard, as I assign blame and mutter about the incompetence that is occuring. I don’t ever share these thoughts with anyone but my husband. I hate confrontations, I hate causing drama, and I would rather suffer through a night of wiping than risk calling someone out.
So there you have one of my dark secrets. I am very quick to anger, and but you will likely never know when I am. I’m passive-aggressive, impatient, egotistical, and selfish, but I’m very good at choking it down and putting on a smile.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, we all make mistakes, and we all act like jerks sometimes (unless you’re some sort of super-genius-saint). Thats not to say that said jerkish behavior is good, but it is understandable. It’s really easy to point out the perceived failings in others, so I thought I would point out some failings in myself instead.
PS: Trust me, I’m much harder on myself than I am on others. I truly excel at self-bashing.
PPS: I have no idea why I’m posting this – I’m just in a brutally honest mood